50 Things Not to Give to Voldemort for Christmas
by draculasbride2008
Summary: Like the title...50 things you wouldn't give to Voldemort for Christmas...unless you like being hit with the Cruciatus. Rated for language and mild adult themes...or is it?


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or anything associated with it. Nor do I own Botox, Bath and Body Works, Teletubbies, Blues Clues, Looney Toons, Disney World, Victoria's Secret, or the Girl Scouts. If I did, I wouldn't be writing crappy fanfictiions...I'd be rolling in cash.

50 Things You Wouldn't Give to Voldemort for Christmas

1. A set of all of the Harry Potter books

2. A gift certificate for plastic surgery (even though we _all_ know that he needs it)

3. A wig

4. Any pet that can be killed by a snake (apparently he hates mice)

5. One of Luna Lovegood's roaring Gryffindor hats

6. The name of an online dating service

7. A mail-order bride

8. A set of the Harry Potter movies

9. A coupon for twenty minutes of cuddle time with Snape

10. A picture of Snape and Lucius Malfoy in a very _cough, cough_ awkward position

11 A teddy bear

12. Poetry written by a certain Percy Weasley

13. A lifetime's supply of Botox

14. A nose implant

15. Contacts to make his eyes look normal

16. A signed set of all of Gilderoy Lockeheart's books

17. A bag to wear over his head

18. A guide to home makeovers

19. A gift certificate to Victoria's Secret

20. A Harry Potter Halloween costume

21. The Weasley Twins' U-No-Poo (The constipation sensation that's sweeping the nation!)

22. One of the advertisements for the Weasley Twins' U-No-Poo

23. A puppy (refer back to number four)

24. New robes that are charmed with a disillusionment charm that activates as soon as the wearer puts them on (nobody wants to see a naked Voldemort... _shudder_)

25. A letter asking why the deatheaters look like members of the KKK (cause everyone who saw the fourth movie knows that they do)

26. A love letter from Wormtail

27. A free trip to a strip club...where Umbridge is the main attraction _runs away screaming_

28. A lifetime subscription to the Quibbler

29. Anything from Bath and Body Works

30. An edition of the Quibbler with a cover title saying "Why Evil Wizards are Ugly"

31. Dobby as a servant

32. The box set of Teletubbies (a/n: Does anyone else think the big blue Teletubby is gay? 'Cause it's a guy, and he's always carrying that red purse...)

33. Season tickets to Blue's Clues on Ice

34. Children

35. Old people

36. A phoenix that enjoys killing basilisks (Go, Fawkes!)

37. His old diary from when he was sixteen...'Cause he'd probably get pissy from remembering how Harry kicked his ass by stabbing the diary with a basilisk fang

38. A kitten (refer to number four)

39. His own gravestone...engraved with a smiley face and butterflies

40. Amortentia...with Wormtail being the person to give it to him _cringe_

41. A mother-in-law

42. A Harry Potter plushie

43. Rabid mutant hell squirrels from outer-space (although that would be very funny)

44. An ugly-stick with which to beat himself (it'll remind him too much of his childhood)

45. A pedicure (remember in the fourth movie, when Voldemort touched Cedric's face with his nasty, dirty feet?..._yeck!_)

46. A sex change (I'm still not sure if that thought is funny or if it's creepy...maybe both)

47. A free trip to Disney World (He'd _Avada Kedavra_ everyone once they started singing "It's a Small World After All"...damn those ugly robots)

48. A box of Girl Scout cookies

49. A Girl Scout

50. A message telling him that I'm the one who wrote this list (a/n: I really don't feel like being hit with the Cruciatus until I'm crazier than a Looney Toon...or Moody)

**a/n: **Well, that's it! If you've read one of my fics before then you know the drill...Review, or I'll send my army of Mutant Hell Bunnies to _crucio_ your butt (and they've been breeding, so there are even more of them than there were last time). If you haven't read one of my fics before, then you should have been paying attention, because I just told you what to do next. The first five reviewers (and the people who send the best reviews) will all receive a box of cookies that are shaped like hte naked professor of their choice...just tell me which professor you want Also, I'd like to know if I should create a sequel for this list...to make an even hundred. If anyone thinks I should make the sequel, please tell me. Thanx


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